I haven't written in a while. I'm actually quite surprised that I actually remembered the password. I'm still in college. I'm still in Cedar City. I don't know when this will stop being true. The academic advising hasn't been all that good for me here. I came in not knowing what I was doing. Now, I still don't know what I'm doing, but apparently I'm doing more of it at least. I wish I would have known to take my literature classes earlier on in my college career. I keep thinking back on that first semester when I took "Intro to Law" and I'm thinking, "Really, Carolyn...Really?!" Not that my college career so far hasn't been fulfilling. I quite enjoy my job as a writing assistant and I'm still able to find time to play in the Brass Ensemble, which, although it tends to add to my stress levels, makes me happy in the end. I also think it probably keeps me sane, and helps me to avoid retreating into a small corner and writing nothing but emo poetry or barricading myself in my room and reading nothing but volumes upon volumes of literary theory.
Another thing to note about my college career is the recent all-time low of my college eating habits. I have a roommate who is a nutrition major. Toward the beginning of the semester, she looked over at me while I was in the middle of a lunch consisting of a can of vienna sausages and a chocolate bar, and with a look of disapproval on her face, simply said, "Carolyn."
I knew what she meant.

Emotional Identity

My emotions:
Transparent
But reflective
and
Opaque
Simply look
at my
face,
but look past it
then
don't look
at all;
just
listen

If
you could see
into
the depths
of the
well
of my emotion,
you would
tell me
who I am
then declare
you still
don't
know me.

Strength

Knowing that
it's okay
to
cry;
Knowing when
to walk
away, and
Knowing when
to come
back;
Finding Joy
in the
Journey;
Finding love
in the
darkest
places;
Creating
something
worth
fighting for;
Creating a
dream
to run
with;
Believing in
things
that
aren't seen;
Believing
that light
can be
found
anywhere,
anytime.

My Life Right Now

Confused
within
the murky
white of life.
Dreaming
of the future
Unsure
of my path.
Trusting
in the Lord,
But still,
wandering
a bit
aimlessly.

Drowning

My keys klink, metal on metal
and my ears
bleed
incessantly
Falling
down, further
and finding, blurred vision
and metal on metal.

Despair

Cannibals watching me eat
I see my dreams
in the water with blood
Can you hear my screams?

Angels robbed of innocence
How can they see?
Tearing at the roots,
drinking pain.

Hope

Angels guard my sleep
I am the Universe
floating with the Cherubim
catching stars on my tongue

Sorrow has no place
within this supernova soul
Holding that hand
carrying freedom, peace